The Useless Question: What Will They Think Of Me?

What will they think of me? What will others think when they find out? How will they react? These are questions that torment many of us today and that, at times, plunge us into a labyrinth of thoughts in which it is very difficult for us to find our way out.

Worrying about what other people think is very common. We are terrified of making a fool of ourselves, being different and not measuring up. The question is up to what?

We forget that what others think are only thoughts, while we attach an inordinate importance to them, sometimes allowing them to direct the course of our lives. Why do we care so much about the validation of others? Let’s go deeper.

The need for approval behind the “what will they think of me?”

We are social beings. The need for our environment to approve us and make us feel part of it is normal, it is our nature. Hence, many of us are chained to “what will they think of me?”

We build ourselves through relationships with others and therefore their evaluations influence the perception we have about ourselves. What they tell us about ourselves shapes our self-image. Hence, small doses of social approval make us feel safe at certain times because in some way they indicate that we are going in the right direction.

In addition to this we must add the satisfaction we experience when we receive compliments and positive comments about how we are. The problem occurs when our life depends totally on it, when we subordinate our decisions and behaviors to the opinion of others; when we act to obtain that approval and also when we do nothing if we do not obtain it, limiting our personal growth.

To depend on what others consider is to give them the power to direct our lives and become their puppets. It is to put ourselves aside and value ourselves according to the perception of others: if they approve us we will feel satisfied and euphoric, but if they disapprove we will experience a deep discomfort for not having met their expectations. And so our self-esteem will be destroyed.

Now, the need for approval is not something that arises overnight, but develops little by little until we reach the true sacrifice of our self. At that moment, our opinion ceases to be important, it becomes invisible and that of others takes center stage.

Stop worrying about what others think of you

Behind that “what will they think of me” there is the need for approval and, at the bottom of it, the fear of feeling vulnerable, of being criticized, questioned and, ultimately, of being rejected or ignored.

Thus, many people to avoid suffering dedicate themselves to meeting the expectations of those around them and become emotional dependents. They are those who are too pleasant when faced with disagreements, they do not know how to say no, they do things for others even if they do not feel like it, they change their opinion with the sole purpose of being accepted and they feel bad when they are not approved by others.

This type of dependency undermines self-esteem, because you stop being yourself to become who others expect: an impossible. Not only because one denies oneself, but because it is impossible to meet all the expectations of others, much less guess how they want us to behave. There will always be criticism.

We cannot hand over the key to our personal worth to others. In fact, do you know anyone who has not provoked criticism or disapproval at some point? Do you know someone perfect? It is unlikely. Just look around you.

Now, after years used to receiving that recognition and approval from others, it is not so easy to get rid of that need, but it is not impossible either. For this it is important that we take into account the following aspects:

• We are unique and unrepeatable, limited edition and therein lies our greatness.
• We cannot please everyone or hide our true essence ; quite the contrary, we have to show ourselves. Only then will we be able to cultivate authentic relationships with others.
• Our opinions are worth as much as those of others.
• The rejection or disagreement with one of our ideas by another person does not imply that they are rejecting us. It’s just a different perspective on that topic, an alternative way of looking at the world. A behavior does not define us.

• The opinions of others are just their thoughts, we don’t have to make them our own; if we do, they will start to affect us.
• Be very careful with what we tell ourselves about what we think others think. Our internal dialogue is adept at telling us stories and tales that hurt us.
• Discovering who we are, accepting and loving ourselves are the keys to not doubting ourselves because of other people’s opinions.

It is impossible to avoid the disapproval of those around us or who have opinions about us and although it is often unfair we cannot change it. We do not have the power to influence others or change their way of thinking.

It is useless to react in a negative and disproportionate way, since in the end it will end up affecting us even more. In this type of situation we can keep in mind the following reflection of the Zen Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh:

The important thing is to accept ourselves, know who we are, be sure of ourselves and know that the opinions of others are only thoughts. We have to decide the course of our life because we are the ones who are going to be its protagonists. Let’s not wait for others to try to understand it because it will not be possible, they have walked our way.