The Duel Hurts
Generally, we understand grief as the loss of a loved one, either due to death or the breakdown of the relationship. However, this concept refers to any major loss that we experience in our life. A friend who moves away, a job from which we are fired, a change of city … All these are situations that can lead to a duel, although we often do not perceive them as such.
Losing something (or someone) of great value to us is an undeniably painful experience, bringing us face to face with our deepest fears and voids. The feeling can be so intolerable that we sometimes adopt strategies that only exacerbate our suffering. Grief hurts, and we have to let it hurt.
How does grief affect us?
The life you knew no longer exists
The impact of grief does not come solely from the emotional plane. Clearly, a breakup or the death of a loved one are devastating events. We are left alone and stunned, accompanied by a love that no longer has an addressee. However, the experience affects us in a much broader way.
By losing a person or situation that we were familiar with, we also lose the comfort of routine. Our day-to-day life is deeply disrupted in the most everyday details. We lose an important support that gave us security and we face the challenge of rebuilding a new life without this element that is no longer present.
When your partner is gone, much of your time is empty. If a great friend dies, his absence will become more apparent than ever when you need his love and advice and have no one to call. If you move to another city, you will no longer have the comfort of meeting the people and the spaces through which to navigate.
Your identity falters
But, in addition, the loss deeply affects our identity. To a greater degree, the more deeply rooted that role was in us. For example, if your profession was an important part of your definition as an individual, and you are fired. Or if your partner was the fundamental pillar of your identity, if you perceived yourself to a great extent as the husband / wife of… That is, by losing that person or situation, we also lose the notion of who we are. Our identity falters, our place in the world becomes uncertain.
You face the feeling of failure
Additionally, grief is largely made up of a feeling of personal failure. People live by generating expectations, we have a vital plan that we try to follow and that, we believe, leads us to success. Thus, when facing the loss we also find that all our illusions are knocked down in one fell swoop. Suddenly, your present has changed and the prediction you made of your successful life no longer finds a place.
It is common to feel that we have failed as individuals when a job ends, a partner breaks up or a friend betrays us. Thus, emotional pain is compounded by disappointment and the feeling that we are insufficient, that we are a failure.
The duel hurts
Seeing the magnitude of the impact at all levels, it is easy to understand why grief is so painful. It can be a heartbreaking experience, fraught with anxiety, sadness, fear, anguish, and hopelessness. However, it is a natural process to which we have to give the appropriate time.
As uncomfortable and intolerable as it may be, grief has to hurt. There is no other way, there are no possible shortcuts. We need time to process the loss, the changes, and rebuild ourselves as individuals. We cannot force emotional recovery. And, in addition, strategies such as avoiding pain and distracting our mind 24 hours a day will only delay healing and increase suffering.
If you want to heal you have to allow yourself to feel, and you have to accompany yourself every step of the way. Cry, express yourself, write what you feel, let it out. Understand your emotions and accept them, embrace your pain. But keep working for yourself, focus on your goals and your well-being, take action: life goes on and so do you. And always remember that everything is temporary. Finally you will emerge reborn and strengthened from the storm and the sun will shine again.
