If You Learn To Ask For Better, You Will Get More!

Before blowing out the candles, make a wish. This is a paradoxical example where we ask another to make a request. In this case to the flame that crackles at the top of the wick as a symbol of wish-granting magic. More common are our daily requests, ranging from “bring me the bread” to “pick up the children today that I can’t.”

One of the most popular childhood scenes is the one in which the parents teach the child to ask “please” and to respond with a “thank you” when the request is satisfied. But we already do this at a much younger age than that marked by this scene, when we point a finger at the water bottle or the toy that is out of reach of our crawls.

Thus, this article is dedicated to an activity that is part of our daily life, which is present in all areas, about which we are explicitly taught when we are little … but that we usually do wrong. Thus, the most immediate consequence of a bad request is usually that we do not get what we wanted and even for this reason alone it is worth learning to ask well.

Circumstances surrounding the petition

What we want in response to a request is a promise. A promise that contains the commitment that someone will do something that we want. In fact, most requests stop being made the moment we get a response, not what we intended.

On the other hand, a request expresses a need and therefore indicates a vulnerability. Hence, many people refrain from making requests. They do not want to discover the points that they consider weakest and for which they would need help. However, they prefer to try to get out of the situation themselves before asking for help from anyone.

In addition, there are very curious phenomena that can facilitate the acceptance of a request. One of them is known as “foot in the door. ” People who use this strategy try to get another person to respond affirmatively to a request that, if they make directly, the person involved would dismiss. To do this, they first make a small request, then a larger one, and thus they go up in grade until they reach the request that basically interests them.

-Today we are going out, could you come at noon to take a look and see if everything is in order?

-Of course!

-When you go, do you mind taking the dog out for a moment?

-Uffff… ok

Another way in which we are more receptive to accepting a request is based on a reverse procedure. This time, the skillful petitioner begins by asking for something that he knows the other will not grant, and then makes a request that is much less demanding than is the one that really interests him.

-Scrub the kitchen and dust your room before you leave.

-I can’t, I don’t have time.

“Well, at least… get the dog out before you go.”

-Uffff… ok.

Finally, before going on to define the four elements that frame a petition, we have to differentiate it from the complaint. Many people try to get around the request by complaining. For example, instead of asking their boss for a better chair to work with, they openly complain that they don’t have one.

One of the common reasons for using the complaint instead of the petition is that the former does not make us feel vulnerable (we value the possibility that the recipient of the request / complaint labels us as weak). Another of the circumstances in which we use the complaint instead of the request is when we think that the request is not going to be satisfied and the complaint is then the ultimate expression of the feeling of discomfort.

The 4 ingredients of a good request

We go with them! In the first place, it is about putting a subject to the request. The most powerful and effective is “I”, far from the impersonal (“It would be good if you improved the office chairs”). In this way, the person who commits himself knows with whom he acquires the promise or not and the person himself acts as an evocative of the memory of it. On the other hand, it is easier to say no to someone undefined than to a particular person.

Second, the request has to have a receiver, away from the “Could someone bring that chair closer? Could someone change my shift tomorrow? ”, Better“ Pedro, can you bring me that chair? ”. In this way we will be addressing someone specific who will no longer be able to escape our request by not feeling alluded to. This aspect is also important in employment requests: it is better to find out who is going to make a decision regarding our request and direct the request specifically to that person than to direct it to the company.

Third, ordering has to have a satisfying time. This happens a lot when we send an email that includes a demand. It will be more effective if we specify when we need it. In addition, particularly for this medium, it should be made clear that we await a response.

Fourth, the request gains integers when it is concrete. It is very different to say “I want you to behave” to “I want you to be silent during the ceremony and when it is over you go to greet your cousins.” With the first request, the child can intuit what it is to behave well, but he may not know exactly because the context is new to him. With the second type of request it is very clear what we want it to do. This is applicable to education, but also with adults and in any field.

As we said at the beginning, we ask every day but we are not good at it. In fact, many of the requests we make are diffuse and poorly focused, partly because behind them are different fears (fear of rejection, fear of asking too much, fear of annoying, fear of owing a favor …) and partly because more Beyond the “please” and “thank you” no one has taught us to do it well. I hope this article can help you out with the latter!