If You Don’t Love Yourself, It’s Because You Don’t Know Yourself

Self-esteem is a buzzword that sometimes seems like a magical device to understand everything that happens to us. It is as if all problems can be explained with a set phrase: lack of self-esteem. There is a kind of epidemic that can be summed up by saying that we have a hard time loving ourselves. Perhaps this happens for a clear reason: if you do not love yourself, it is because you do not know yourself.

The key is in that internal voice that comments on all our actions, feelings and thoughts. It is that voice that qualifies us, and approves or fails. Sometimes we forget that this inner voice has been built by ourselves and that, for that reason, we can direct and redirect it when it is not constructive.

We learn to see ourselves through others. Therefore, if our parents saw us as incompetent people, we easily incorporated that qualifier and its synonyms to the voice that speaks to us and judges from within. If our teachers thought that almost everyone was smarter than us, some of it will also appear in that inner dialogue and so on.

The problem is that we forget something that is beyond any voice: those who have expressed and continue to comment on us do not have the truth. What they express and have expressed about who we are, probably has much more to do with themselves than with us. We all wear our own glasses and each one believes that what he sees is what happens.

If you don’t love yourself, admit it

The lack of self-esteem is not only expressed as a feeling of handicap or incompetence in different daily situations. Sometimes it is thought that if someone expresses himself with self-confidence and makes his presence known with great force, it is because he has a very high self-esteem. But, in general, this is not the case.

Lack of self-esteem manifests as fear or fear of taking risks. You want to stay within the limits of what is already known, because deep down you think that you might not be up to the demands in something new. That fear extends to your words and your thoughts. You do not feel capable of expressing what is really inside because you fear the reaction of others. And, at the same time, your internal voice disqualifies you: “it’s nonsense”, you say to yourself. And shut up.

But the lack of self-love expresses itself in other ways as well. For example, when you become subservient to an authority figure or a situation in which you want to gain notoriety. You care a lot about what the boss, the teacher or the expert thinks or says.

So you try to adjust what you say and do, to please that person or that group. Sometimes you also desperately need others to recognize you. That’s why you shout and advertise yourself, always in order to get something from others.

You only want what is known

There is an obvious question, which not everyone asks, do I really know myself? And it is that self-knowledge is not only knowing that you like the color green and that you hate apples. Or that you want to get divorced and that you love football. The matter goes far beyond tastes and preferences.

Of course, it is very important to recognize what you like to taste, how you like to dress, what kinds of meetings you like to go to, etc. That is where everything begins. It may seem like an exaggeration, but in truth there are many people who do not even know if they really like what they eat. They either follow a diet or don’t think about it and haven’t figured out why yet. The same happens with those small everyday aspects such as the dress, the means of transport you use and a long etcetera.

However, beyond learning to recognize what we like and what we do not like in these aspects, we must inquire about the perception we have of ourselves. How do you feel about your own body and why? How do you take care of that body? What do you think about the way you relate to others? Do you know what your reaction will be in different situations and why?

Perhaps in the end you will discover a truth that you have wanted to ignore: you judge yourself based on the eyes of others and not based on really reasonable parameters. The gaze of others is present in that internal voice that constantly makes you think negatively in front of yourself. Which is better, a chicken or a duck?

The duck, the ducks will say. The hen, the hens will say. That is the point. The duck must learn to be a duck and to make the best of its condition. The hen must do the same. And both, ignore the opinion of the fox, who only sees them as a menu.