I Am Unable To Express My Anger

Are you one of those people who have a hard time showing that they are angry or angry? If your answer is “I never get angry”, this is not credible. As a psychologist I see every day people who do get angry, but who cannot express it, people who even try to deceive themselves and believe that they are not angry when they are. Different studies show that anger has cultural components, but it is a normal feeling and is part of learning to grow emotionally.

In this sense, you will have anger and the important thing is what you do with them. For example, knowing how to express your anger is something necessary for good emotional health, let’s say it is necessary to “be well” psychologically speaking. Therefore, in this article we will address the reasons why people are unable to express their anger and we will also focus on the possible consequences of not showing your discomfort or anger.

So, we will go on to see the phrases that I have frequently heard in consultation  and I will explain what I have found behind them in each of these situations. This can be a good starting point to identify why we cannot express anger and what can be done to overcome this barrier.

What are the reasons why you cannot express your anger?

“I can’t express my anger because I don’t know how to do it”

If you are one of those who say “I cannot express my anger”, the main reason may be that you are not assertive. This lack can be a manifestation of:

• You do not have the ability to say what you think when what you think goes “against the tide.”
• You feel unable to do it without losing your temper.
• You fear being paralyzed when communicating.

Review that only on assertiveness we can find several books that are dedicated to talking about it; however, most of them stay in theory. Well, entering the practical realm,  to be able to express your anger it is necessary that you be clear: what you want to say, what you feel and how you have to say it.

Preparation when it comes to expressing your anger is the key to success. Imagine that your anger is outside of you, carry out an exercise of externalization and objectification of fear or anxiety. Ask yourself: what is my anger for? In most cases the answers will revolve around insecurity, self- doubt and not facing the situation and missing the opportunity to grow.

“I can’t express my anger because I actually know that I have no reason to feel this way.”

The first question you have to ask yourself is ” what is my anger telling me?” . It is very important to get to the ultimate reason for the anger. If you do it for reasons of selfishness or “without reasons”, simply because things do not go the way you want, it is normal that you have a hard time showing it.

Since, deep down you know that you have no reason to bring out that anger and therefore, you avoid doing it. Not expressing your anger in these circumstances is a protection mechanism, it protects you from being ridiculed and regretting after what you have said or done.

In this way, it is essential that when you get angry you are able to be clear about the reasons for this discomfort, that you ask yourself “Do I have real reasons for my anger?” . Obviously, you will be able to realize that the strategy is: I get angry, I don’t say anything, I analyze and if I have sure and clear reasons, then I do say what I think. Because if you stop to analyze the reasons for your anger and you really have them, it will impregnate you with security and strength to remove the anger that you carry inside.

“If I express my anger I feel guilty” 

If you really have reason to be angry and feel guilty: there is something wrong. That is, you have to accept that getting angry does not make you a better or a worse person and if you are angry you have to express it in a productive and appropriate way. You have to work on your self-esteem because in this case the thought you have (which prevents you from expressing your anger) is “my anger is not that important, I better not say anything.”

Everything that you feel and live is important enough for you to assume and transmit it, what’s more, you are responsible for transmitting your discomfort and you do not have to feel guilty at all. Guilt is a feeling that you have to manage, because it only makes you be anchored in not-doing, in immobility. The best thought and the best interpretation you can make of an anger is “my anger has to be conveyed and if I do it correctly I have every right to do so.”

“Although I express my anger, it is worth nothing, everything remains the same”

Finally at this point, we are facing a situation of learned helplessness, you have learned that whatever you do you cannot change the situation and everything will continue to harm you.  If you feel identified with this type of difficulty when expressing your anger you have to get down to work. It may be that you need to make a clean slate with the people around you, with your partner, your family or your work.

In this sense, Dr. Martin Seligman explained how learned helplessness is not healthy, it wears you down on a psychological level and undermines your capacity for change and personal development every day. Thus, first you have to validate the reasons for your anger, know if they are justified or not, you have to know if you are expressing your anger correctly and in a polite way. Because if all these are covered tasks and well done, you have to give a solution to what makes you feel helpless learned, get down to work: you will not regret it.