Heal The Wounds Of The Absent Father

We all know how complex it can be to define the term family. Do we integrate in this dimension those who share our same blood? Or those people we have freely chosen and with whom we build positive and meaningful bonds? What happens when there is an absent parent?

Talking about family sometimes awakens certain hurts, disappointments and small grudges. In fact, we could say without mistake that one of the most complex figures that occurs most frequently is that of the “absent father.” It is very possible that this situation is familiar to you. That you have lived it in your own skin or that you have observed it in your closest social circle.

Sometimes, when we ask someone to tell us about their family, they do not hesitate to tell us a thousand stories of their mothers, grandparents, uncles, however,  when it comes to talking about the father, the smile becomes stronger and silence appears. They shrug and hesitate a…  “Well, I don’t know, my father was… it was just him. I was just there ”.

We do not want to say that this type of emotional void is exclusively characteristic of the father figure, it can also occur in the mother, however, it is very common that when talking about this type of harmful education, capable of leaving maturational traces, the figure of the absent father is very common. We invite you to delve a little deeper into it.

The father emotionally absent, but present in the family

Growing up without a father, without a mother or without a relevant figure in our childhood due to a traumatic event, is something that we will always drag, and that leaves internal scars that we try to cope with.

There are those who comment that the burden of upbringing, care and education falls on the mother figure. We are not going to deny its importance when it comes to creating that healthy attachment with which, to have security in each of our steps. Now, the father is also important, and that is something that no one can deny; but… What happens when there is an absent father in the family who does not establish any bond with his children?

A child’s brain is an avid processor of stimuli, and in its day-to-day life, it needs first and foremost positive reinforcement in order to grow mature and safely. An absent parent creates inconsistencies, gaps and difficulties in dealing with them. The child expects affection, communication, and a daily interaction with which to open up to the world also through his father. However, it only finds walls.

An empty and elusive treatment generates anxiety in children, they do not know “what to expect”, they develop expectations that are not met, and they also tend to compare “foreign parents” to those they have at home. They know that their friends’ parents act differently than they do.

What consequences does the figure of the absent father generate in adulthood?

The figure of an absent father generates an affective detachment in adulthood that makes us more insecure when establishing certain relationships. We can become somewhat suspicious. The idea of ​​projecting a high affective charge on someone makes us afraid, we fear being betrayed, or not recognized. Or worse, ignored.

As we get older, it is very possible that we will realize many more things. We acknowledge the effort our mother made to make up for our father’s shortcomings, and how, more than once, she excused him with phrases such as …  “You know how your father is”, “Don’t do those things that you already know that your father does not go “,” It is that you do not understand … “

How to overcome the wounds of the absent parent

You have grown up, you maintain your life, you proudly wear your impregnable armor, and you are very clear about what you must do today to avoid making the same mistakes that your parents made with you.

However, the void of the absent father is still there, and it does not matter if you are still dealing with him in the present, or if you have already lost him, or if you keep quiet at family gatherings and pretend as if the past never existed.

• The first thing we should do is “understand.” He understands that the absent father is a man who did not know how to exercise his role as a father, because he never really understood his role as a person.

• It is very possible that an absent father did not have adequate personal skills, good self-esteem, an internal balance that would allow him to see his mistakes, his fears and his own shortcomings.

Now, does this justify what he did to us? The emotional void that he left us? Not at all, but understanding sometimes helps us adjust reality, avoid storing more negative emotions.

You know that you have grown and matured with many gaps because of that type of education, and those emotional deficiencies. However, there always comes a time when we should cut the link with the suffering of yesterday, to heal the wounds in this present.

If you didn’t have your father, your healthiest and most significant attachment figure was most likely others: your mother, your grandparents, or even your friends or partners as you grew up. They who stood up as your pillars on a day-to-day basis.

Images Courtesy: Claudia Tremblay