Waiting For A Person To Change For Us: A Form Of Suffering

Waiting for a person to change for us is usually, on average, a useless form of suffering. This reality occurs frequently in couple relationships, where one of the partners longs for the other to see reason, for his behavior to improve and for one good day to learn to love in the way one expects. However, these kinds of perennial expectations are rarely met.

Let’s face it, believing that someone is going to make a 180º change in their attitude and behavior lays the foundations for an emotional dependence that is as harmful as it is exhausting. It is living in expectation of a miracle, it is believing the other when he affirms that he is going to change, that the past will not happen again and then, realizing that we have once again fallen into the trap of the hearts entrusted to the time that blind.

These types of situations are more common than we think. That this happens is something normal, because when one loves, one trusts, because the first cannot be separated from the second. Therefore, we give second, third and even fourth chances hoping that the relationship will work. We fight with conviction because to love is to believe that every effort will be worth it. Until at a certain moment the person opens his eyes to understand that what he longs for so much is not going to happen.

Waiting for a person to change for us, a frustrated wish

In psychology we use the term “personality” to define a series of traits that are more or less stable over time. Thus, if someone shows a combination of introversion and shyness, it is difficult for them to show an extroverted behavior from one day to the next. Now, showing a tendency in terms of personality does not preclude the fact that we can achieve changes against the current – against natural tendencies of our personality.

Furthermore, if we did not believe in change against inertia, psychological intervention would be meaningless. People more than make changes, generate certain improvements and take on new mental and behavioral approaches.

Therefore, something that different studies show us, such as the one carried out by Dr. Walter Roberts, from the University of Illinois, United States, is that change, as such, occurs more frequently within a psychotherapeutic setting. That is, when a person is aware that there is a problem that must be faced, the clinical intervention itself mediates the appearance of these changes in their personality.

Wanting them to change for us, is it right?

We constantly expect changes in others. This hope exists even in the family sphere or when raising a child. When their behavior is not as expected, we make a correction and inform our children about what we want / expect from them: respect, attention, affection and responsibility.

Within the framework of education, it is common to expect changes. At the end of the day, educating is reorienting, suggesting, talking, being a good example and setting a path that, for us, is the best for our children. Now, in adulthood, much of our personality patterns are deeply ingrained, and if there is no will, change will rarely occur.

Thus, it is common that in couple relationships we find behaviors that we do not like. The ideal is to accept both the good and the bad of the other, since the defects, quirks and unique nuances make up what one is, its essence and authentic being. Therefore, wanting to change the other to fit what one wants is not always the right thing to do.

However, more serious situations may arise. Behaviors of abuse, contempt and deception, for example, are not permissible or acceptable in any case. In the latter cases, generating a change is not only recommended, but also a priority.

When they hurt us and change does not appear, what do we do?

In Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for a Relationship to Work , he points out something important. Love is above all acceptance, it is appreciating the other for what they are and vice versa. Now, if harmful behaviors appear, such as what he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse (contempt, avoidance, criticism and defensive attitude) the relationship is doomed to failure.

In the latter cases, it is essential that changes are generated. And it is not about waiting for the person to change for us, it is about becoming aware that there is a problem. Because when there is suffering, attitudes and behaviors must be changed so that the bond is not only maintained, but so that there is something essential: well-being and happiness.

Thus, in these cases there are usually two situations. The first is for the other person to tell us “this is how I am, either you take me or you leave me. ” The second situation is that we fall into the mental and emotional trap of thinking that indeed, they will change for us when they tell us that they will improve, that everything will be fine from now on and that what happened will not be repeated. And yet, not only does it repeat itself, but the situation worsens.

What to do if we are in the middle of these relational tessitura? The answer is simple: if we are unhappy and the other person does not consider any change to improve the situation, we will make the change. And it will be none other than turning the page and repairing the injured, the long neglected.

Finally, to point out once again that the ideal in these circumstances is to seek expert help. Therapists, couple psychologists are always an extraordinary help in these cases.