Rebecca’s Syndrome: I’m Jealous Of Her Exes

Does your blood boil when you remember the beauty of your partner’s former love? Do you think that his previous romance was not healthy but it still bothers you that someone remembers it? Do you compare yourself to the exes in your current relationship? In psychology this is known as Rebecca syndrome .

“Rebecca” is a novel written by Daphne du Maurier in 1938.  It tells the story of a woman who marries a widowed man. Everything seems to be going wonderfully until the ghost of Rebecca, the deceased wife, appears.

This spirit is in charge of continuously speaking to her husband so that he separates from that woman. In addition to causing some fear, the ghost makes the man feel insecure with the decision to start a new family, which leads to new conflicts.

Rebecca indicates to Maxim that the “new” is never going to be up to her standards, that everyone talks behind her back, that no one loves her, that she is not good for him, and so on. The book was a hit at the time, so it was brought to the radio by the genius of Orson Welles and also adapted for film by the wonderful Alfred Hitchcock.

Rebecca syndrome in reality

Based on this novel, psychologists have begun to call  ” Rebecca syndrome” those people who have pathological jealousy towards ex-partners in their current relationships.  Thus, as happened in the book, jealousy is a ghost that haunts the memory of an ex of the current couple.

It was Dr. Darian Leader, a psychoanalyst and founding member of the Center for Freudian Analysis and Research in London, who came up with the idea. Thus, and as he himself explains, even in a happy relationship, it is common for this emotional and psychological reality to arise.

• It may sound a bit strange or difficult to understand, however, it happens more often than you think. When someone suffers from Rebecca syndrome, they try to find out everything about the former partner who is now by their side with the intention of discovering something that is wrong.

• In this way, the relationship instead of being formed by two people as it should be, the feeling that appears is that there are three who sleep in the same bed.

This is a real problem for the growth and good work of the couple, since baseless jealousy affects the normal behavior of the person. In this case, not only the jealous suffers, but the jealous too.

How to overcome Rebecca syndrome

Com curiosity. In the UK an organization called the British Second Wives Club was created a few years ago . The objective is simple: to attend psychologically to those people who have the feeling of not being up to the “height” of the previous relationships of their spouses.

There is undoubtedly a self-esteem problem here that is more than evident. Likewise, they are profiles that are forced to live with the “ghost” of the couples’ previous relationships. Second, we must also understand that jealousy is a clear symptom of insecurity  and a kind of reaction to a supposed threat.

The Jealousy Problem

Jealousy also appears when one person considers the other as his property. Anything that diverts the attention of our partner is taken as an attack, be it a person, an object, an animal or a task.

In the particular case of ex-partners, it must be taken into account that this story is part of the past and that therefore we too have it.

It is impossible not to make comparisons since we do them all the time. We looked at a photograph of our partner’s ex and began to think:  “but how ugly she is”, “she could dress better”  or quite the opposite  “how beautiful she is”, “how elegant”.  If we suffer from pathological jealousy, no matter what image that photo gives us back, we will always feel that the other is a threat and therefore we will react badly.

If you think there is something about Rebecca syndrome in you and you can’t stop thinking about your partner’s ex, you need to seek expert help. The psychological approach to jealousy is based on the following aspects:

• Offer an alternative explanation of events.
• Formulation of the problem (low self-esteem, fear of loneliness, insecurity …)
• Strategies to understand that many of these ideas are linked to delusion.
• Question the internal consistency of those unfounded thoughts.
• Offer an alternative explanation of events.

In conclusion. We must understand that with Rebecca syndrome the only thing you will achieve is to suffer and damage the relationship you have with your partner. Try not to compare yourself, try to focus on the present and the value of building a healthy and happy bond.  There will always be things that they did better and others worse, do not be mortified by it.

Image courtesy of K-Kwan Kwanchai