4 Attitudes That Destroy Personal Relationships
Sometimes the way we express our thoughts and the behaviors we display leave a lot to be desired. We are abrupt, rude and do not take into account the feelings of others. In fact, some of these behaviors can hurt so much that they end up, on many occasions, breaking friendships, couples and even families. Now, what are these types of attitudes that destroy personal relationships and cause us discomfort?
We refer specifically to criticism, contempt, counterattack and total withdrawal. In current jargon, we could say that they are “sincericide” behaviors, because when we carry them out we initiate a kind of leap into the void, the result of a misunderstanding of sincerity. In addition, being honest is not at odds with being tact, delicacy and measure. The same can be said in different ways without anyone being harmed. Let us delve into what these types of attitudes are that destroy personal relationships.
Destruction of our relationships
When someone responds rudely or disrespectfully to an innocent comment, they are involuntarily activating the emotional part of our brain. But not in a positive way, but in a negative way. Thus, this activation presents us with a dilemma between two actions in order to protect ourselves: flee or fight.
Normally, when we feel attacked, hurt or offended by a person with whom we have confidence, we tend to choose to ignore their comment. But it is also likely that we will respond invaded with rage with another even worse. What we decide will depend on the degree of annoyance or hostility that we feel at that moment.
However, the effect that this comment has on us is usually the same: anger, rage and displeasure towards the person who made it. Therefore, if every time we see her, she adopts the same attitude and verbally attacks us, we will end up getting tired of her. Nobody likes to surround themselves with someone who continually generates discomfort. Reason why we will decide to end the relationship.
The critical attitude
“You always leave everything on the floor”, “You never wash your hands before eating”, “You are systematically late, there is no one to support you” are examples of unconstructive criticism. In addition to not being accompanied by a substitute behavior for the unwanted one, they are phrases that contain resounding and sententious adverbs (“always”, “never”). Expressions that do not leave room for understanding or behavioral flexibility.
Now, the criticism can be transformed into a constructive suggestion or replaced by a less hurtful comment. In this way, we will avoid arguments, misunderstandings and the deterioration of our relationships.
In the previous examples, we could add a “If you leave everything on the ground, I have to pick it up. And I already have enough daily tasks. I would like you to help me”. Or “When you are late to all the sites, you leave me in evidence. I don’t like to apologize every time it happens. “
The attitude of contempt
While criticism is manifested mostly orally, contempt can be carried out in two ways: gestural and verbal. The first one is in a slightly more subtle way, but just as destructive.
Let’s look at some examples. A group of friends have met for dinner after a long time without seeing each other. And one of them shows such a high degree of self-realization that the others, instead of being happy for her, constantly make faces of disgust. Or that boss who every time one of his workers speaks directs his gaze towards the sky, as if he were crying out a “shut up now, please.” Both cases, although not very conspicuous, are very hurtful for those who suffer them.
The language of sarcasm is another form of contempt. It is a form of covert aggression that, misunderstood or carried out at the wrong time, can also do a lot of damage.
Counterattack and total retreat: attitudes to increase conflict
Sometimes we believe that when we are attacked we only have two options: to counterattack or to escape. If we opt for the first, the most logical thing is that we automatically respond to the other person the first thing that comes to mind. And it is not usually a pleasant thing. This, in turn, causes discomfort in him, which can lead him to counterattack as well. In this way, both of us will plunge into a dangerous vicious circle that is difficult to stop.
Counterattack is one of those attitudes that destroy relationships. A trap that if you do not know how to manage it can cause serious consequences. Among them, emotional wounds that are difficult to heal.
On the contrary, total withdrawal is similar to surrender on the battlefield. It is the consequence of a fierce power struggle between two people. Thus, after weeks or months of continuous attacks, criticism or ridicule, one of the two participants chooses to “surrender”: they seek dialogue and not confrontation.
In turn, this attitude exasperates the other party, who is still waiting for an attack to fuel their own. But in the end, when he doesn’t get any hostile response, he ends up getting angry, yelling and despairing. There are people who do not know how to respect the moments of respite of others and instead of waiting, they increase the conflict with their behaviors and attitudes.
As we can see, attitudes that destroy personal relationships are not usually pleasant and neither are their consequences. We are aware that if someone criticizes us (in a non-constructive way) we will hardly be their friends. Or that if we constantly complain to our partner, we are doing everything we can to push them away from our side. However, we continue to adopt them.
Sometimes, it is better to pause to breathe and be aware of what is happening than to continue in a hurry without contemplating the consequences of our actions.
