Three Realities That Seem Like Love, But Are Not

There are many realities that seem like love, but are not. These are situations that give rise to close and generally long-lasting ties. In the background there is no real affection, but a set of limitations or problems that sustain the bond.

Genuine love is characterized because it nurtures mutual growth. It implies generosity and freedom. It is more real the more it promotes the autonomy of those involved. This includes all forms of love: mother or father, partner, etc.

Sometimes true affection is confused with other realities that seem like love, without being it. These realities often involve very intense feelings. They are experienced from the bottom of the soul, but many times they exclude respect and a true appreciation of the other. They are born out of selfish wants or needs and are sustained by the benefits they produce. These are some of them.

Overprotection, one of the realities that seem like love

Overprotection is one of those realities that seem like love, but which is not, no matter how much this attitude comes from him. It is a type of behavior that occurs mainly between parents and children. However, it is also common for it to appear as a couple, between friends and in different hierarchical ties.

Overprotection represents an excessive desire to avoid harm or suffering to another person, who is normally considered vulnerable or defenseless. When we love someone, it is obvious that we wish only good for that person. However, someone who is excessively anxious may see dangers where there are none or oversize them if they exist. In this sense, overprotective people tend to ignore the fact that bad experiences are a source of learning.

If it is said that it is one of the realities that seem like love without being it, it is because what prevails is not affection, but anguish. Those who are overprotective project their own fears onto the other. In addition, they usually fail to prevent the loved one from suffering, quite the contrary. They end up invading the other with anxiety and preventing him from growing.

Control over being loved

The excessive desire for control over the other is similar to overprotection, but it is not the same. In this case, it is a bond marked by the demerit of the other. Ultimately what is sought is that the being “loved” learns to distrust himself and needs us. Somehow an attempt is made to generate a dependency on the part of the other.

Although deep down their nature is not that, these behaviors are presented as expressions of love. The one makes things easier for the other. He carries heavy objects, supports him in difficult situations or assumes them for the other. He also dedicates his efforts so that the other does not go through discomfort. However, this provision is not free. It is paid with the limitation of autonomy and freedom.

The real intention is that one comes to need the other in a definitive way. From the outside, it can give the feeling that the controller is striving to make life happier for the one he loves, when his efforts are actually directed towards his  not being able to live his life alone. He manipulates so that the bond is maintained and becomes ever closer. Actually that is not love, but selfish control.

Dependence and love

Control is the face and dependency is the most common hallmark of these realities that seem like love, without actually being it. In this case, what there is is a peculiar bond: in it, the person places all his needs and frustrations in another. It gives you, so to speak, the obligation to take charge of your happiness. A kind of surrogate father or mother who is available at all times to satisfy your wishes.

That kind of “tutor” is desperately needed. At the end of the day it is like a shield against life. It prevents you from confronting your own limits. Many times it also protects from the anguish of having to decide and, with it, win or lose. The dependent may feel that they deeply love the other, but in reality it is a bond of mutual exploitation.

All these forms of “pseudo love” are harmful: they cover up situations to be resolved. They are realities that seem like love, but in reality they have more to do with some kind of neurosis. They almost never end well. They cause pain and impede mutual growth. Unfortunately they tend to lead to very strong ties, which often end up hurting the people involved.