The Art Of Not Losing Your Cool During A Discussion

Saying what they think or feel is a skill that some people, due to impulsiveness, laziness or ignorance, do not have sufficiently trained. In fact, we have all lost our forms at some time in the middle of an argument, burying with them the message we wanted to convey.

Now, keeping control in what situations is an art . It is not an easy task but it is not impossible either, in fact psychologists who are experts in communication and conflict management -from the branch of social psychology- have dedicated years of study and research to identify what resources could help us in this task.

Arguing without losing your cool: what do scientific studies tell us about it?

Nelda Sheldon and Shoron Burton (2014) explain that  the interpretation of the situation is the factor that most influences when it comes to maintaining control. That is to say, rather than being the situation itself that upsets us and makes us lose our cool, it is our construction of what is happening that makes the difference. For example, when we understand that a personal attack has occurred in an argument, the task of staying calm becomes more complicated.

For this reason, different scientific investigations have focused on knowing the role of self-esteem in the way in which people argue. And thus, it has been observed that those with low self-esteem and poorer self-concept tend to lose their nerves more easily.

Relating it to what we have pointed out before, in this internal context it will be easier for the discussions to be experienced as a personal attack on his ego, which is already weak at the base. This is how on many occasions we can find a disproportionate response to a small point or criticism.

In summary, other studies conclude that it will be easier to remain calm in a discussion if we improve on some of the factors that we have listed and that predispose us to it. Let’s think that  personality, coping habits and learning determine to a large extent the way in which we face discussions (

The past, the past is

Dr. Mark Beyebach (2010), an expert psychologist in brief therapy and solution-focused therapy, explains that bringing past situations to the present increases the likelihood that people will take the discussion as a personal attack. Anger and helplessness appear because the past cannot be changed.

Thus, these negative feelings blind and make us even forget the reason for an argument. In turn, they give rise to a sense of loss of time that, out of frustration, increases our anger.

Self-observation and self-knowledge: your best allies

Knowing your strengths and weaknesses will also help you stay calm in an argument. If you pay attention to the evolution of the exchange and not just your position, it will be easier for you to know when it is better to make a concession, focus on the arguments of the other party or withdraw.

On the other hand, it is not the same to argue with people in front of it than to do it in privacy, nor is it the same to argue at the end of the day when we are already tired, than to do it during the weekend or at a time when we are calm. Choosing one time or another to settle or start an argument is also social intelligence.

Anticipation helps us stay in control

If you are going to face a debate, an open discussion, prepare it. Organize your presentation and identify the arguments that can best support it, as well as the order in which you will present them. It’s about having a script that can rescue you at any given moment.

On the other hand, if it is a discussion that you can anticipate, you better have the speech prepared, your defense arguments and clear ideas. Find out about your possibilities, the strength of your arguments and, if possible, anticipate the reply of the other party.

Three practical strategies to stay calm in an argument

• Avoid raising your voice tone and speaking in a rush. Think that your physiological constants will tend to follow the speed that you print to your speech.
• Maintain body language that is peaceful and not aggressive. Watch the way you move and the gestures you make, if you show aggressive (even if it is not your intention) you will generate a defensive response in the other person.
• If you start to feel nervous, you can try to turn the discussion to secondary issues while you regain your confidence. It is about putting in place the time-out technique and avoiding making mistakes that directly invalidate you as an interlocutor.

Finally, remember that the effects of the strategies we have listed will come with time and training. You can start with  an exercise in self-observation and self-criticism that allows you to know what you can do better when you participate in a discussion.